the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
