new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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