Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
