no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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