You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
