Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
