Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
