oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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