today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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