i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
