I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
