I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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