Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize