You kept calling me your small dog last night.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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