I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
