Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
