Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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