this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
