so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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