I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
