okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
