if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
