I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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