Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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