I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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