When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
