Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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