are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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