Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.