my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.