I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
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That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
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It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.