only you would photoshop your dick
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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