I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
