I feel great
I just peed on a car
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
