You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
