He kissed a someone with a penis
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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