I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
