Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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