I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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