now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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