I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
