i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
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Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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