I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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