She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
