my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
