The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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