my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
