i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.