I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
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he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
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He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH