i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
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You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
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I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning