Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.