mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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