i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
