It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
