yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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