I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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