And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
People in love make me want to vomit
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Randomize
