i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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