I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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