My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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