if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
