Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
So squirting runs in the family.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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