you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
